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He wasn’t marrying Emma. He was marrying Lorraine. ‘Fuck! Fuck me. I’m fucked,’ he thought suddenly feeling faint. He felt sick to his stomach. He felt as if his head was about to explode. He felt lost that he was never able to reconnect with his true love, the love of his life, Emma. ‘Emma! Emma! Emma,’ he said to himself as if calling for help from Satan by saying her name three times. ‘And do you Robert take Lorraine as your lawfully, wedded wife?’ ‘Huh? What? Lorraine? Hell no,’ he wanted to say but he didn’t. He looked at his bride again to make sure who she was. She’s not Emma. She’s Lorraine. This can’t be happening. He’s marrying Lorraine. Why the Hell is he marrying Lorraine when he loves Emma? Why the Hell is he marrying Lorraine when he wants to marry Emma? What about Emma? Where the Hell is Emma? ‘Emma! Fuck! Fuck me,’ he thought. ‘God, I’m so fucked. I can’t believe that I’m really marrying Lorraine.’ He suddenly thought of Ben Braddock, played by Dustin Hoffman,. Joe was accomplished on piano, banjo, guitar, mandolin and his biggest asset… bullshit. He could look you in the eye and make you believe the hair on his head was blue, instead of black.He was the best in the world when it came to ‘farting on command’… and he didn’t care where, or in front of whom… he’d cut a big one just for fun. His laugh was contagious, and his wit was quick.It had been years since I attended a funeral, but I surely wouldn’t miss Joe’s.Joe’s wife, Linda, had given them two sons.Joe, jr. (J.J) and Gary. Both boys were now young men with families of their own.J.J. had three daughters, the oldest being seven, and Gary had a four year old son.Although both boys looked like carbon copies of Joe, Linda loved to tease them about being the UPS man’s sons.To the best of my knowledge (and over the years I learned a lot) Linda had never been unfaithful to Joe.I always hoped that if she decided to, though, I would be the lucky one. I had pissed at the same urinal trough with.
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